Where to
start.

"My heart is racing, I can't breathe, and I'm sure I'm dying." When your body thinks you're dying → "I live with an alarm going off inside, even when nothing is happening." The alarm that won't switch off → "I’m not sad, but I haven’t felt anything in months." When nothing gets through → "I don't feel like anything, and then I feel guilty for not feeling like it." The day that won't start → "It happened months ago and it still comes back when I didn't call it." What your body kept doing afterwards → "I rehearse before going in, and afterwards I replay everything I said wrong for hours." The camera pointing at you → "The evening drink stopped being a choice." The drink that became necessary → "It ended, nobody was to blame, and I’m far worse than seems reasonable." It ended, and nobody was the villain → "I’ve searched my symptoms again, and I’ve lost count of how many times." One more search and I’ll be calm → "A horrible thought turns up and I’ve never told anyone." The thought you didn’t choose → "I wake in the early hours remembering that I’m going to die." You wake at four and remember you’re going to die → "It's three in the morning and my head won't stop." The mind at night → "I come out of conversations feeling guilty, empty or confused — and I can't explain why." The signs that don't look like signs → "They make me doubt my own memory. I need witnesses to my own life." When they make you doubt what you remember → "I know it's hurting me. And I still can't leave." Why you haven't left yet → "I said yes again, while my whole body was saying no." The no you haven't said in years → "The person who hurts me is my own mother." When the harm comes from home → "Someone I loved took their own life, and nobody names it." When the death was a suicide → "I lost a pregnancy and everyone acts as if nothing happened." The loss nobody names → "Someone I love has died, and everyone expects me to be fine by now." The empty chair → "I can’t make it to the end of the month and I can’t think about anything else." When the money doesn’t reach → "Sunday evening feels like a weight, just thinking about tomorrow." When work is draining you → "I want to do it. I've wanted to for weeks. And I can't start." The thing you can't get started → "I've spent weeks unable to decide, and the decision is eating me." Deciding with the fear inside → "I've been putting off a conversation that frightens me." The conversation you keep putting off — a series of 7 notes → "One day I quite like myself and a week later I’m worthless again." Self-esteem → "Nothing I do ever feels good enough." When nothing is ever enough → "Everyone else's life looks better than mine." When everyone else's life looks better → "I got out. And now I don't know who I am without it." Who you are when there's no one left to fight → "If that person doesn't reply, my whole day collapses." When you can't be without someone → "I keep going over something I did years ago and I can't forgive myself." The guilt that won't let go → "There's something about me I show no one, because if they saw it they wouldn't love me." What you show no one → "I snap at anything, and then I hate myself for snapping." The anger you don't know where to put → "Something happened to me and there's no one to tell." No one to tell it to → "A child I love is ill, and I can't cure them." When a child you love is ill → "They’re back and they seem to have changed. I don’t know what to believe." The false repair → "The voice in my head won’t stop punishing me for everything." When your lawyer turns prosecutor → "I think more and more with a machine, and sometimes I feel vertigo about it." The first machine that thinks on your plane → "This is bigger than me. I need real help and I don’t know where to start." Asking for help is a skill too →

"Someone I love is suffering, and I can't fix it." Being there, without being able to fix it → "Someone I love said they don’t want to go on, and I don’t know whether to ask." Someone I love said they don’t want to go on → "A child I love has fallen ill, and I don’t know how to hold this." When a child you love falls ill → "Someone at home has been sunk for months and I don’t know how to help." The day that won’t start → "Someone at home drinks more than they should." The drink that became necessary → "They told me a thought that horrifies them, and I don’t know what to say." The thought you didn’t choose → "I’ve been caring for someone for months and I can’t do it any more." The wearing down of the one who cares → "My teenager shuts the door and I don’t know if it’s a phase." They shut the door → "I know they need help and there’s no way they’ll go." When they won’t get help → "This is bigger than me. I need real help and I don't know where to begin." Asking for help is also something you learn →